why am i losing sleep over you

Although life is hectic sometimes, I still manage to find a huge amount of time to waste. Like today I could have been writing a paper that's due at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, but was I? Of course not! I was busy catching up on last week's Grey's and messing around of Facebook. And now I'm writing this so I obviously still don't get it. I have a lot to do in the next 6 hours if I want to get to bed at a decent time.

So Friday night, my brother had a soccer game here in Goshen at Bethany Christian. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal...I'd go with my parents and sit with their friends and cheer on the Warriors. But this time, it was completely different...and I wasn't exactly sure how to react to it all. A lot changed last summer when I went to camp, and I changed in many ways. And the boy was a big part of it all. And the boy played against my brother. And the boy was playing pretty rough, actually everyone was playing rough, but the boy got a yellow card (haha). And the boy gave me a giant hug after they won and told me he missed me. And the boy has someone else. And it hurts to think about the boy.

But lately that's all I've been doing. It's so hard because I know I can do way better than him. I know that I shouldn't be wasting my energy on someone who isn't going to put the same amount of energy into me. Everything inside of me is longing to let go, but at the same time, everything inside of me is fighting to hold on. Why can't I accept that is was just a summer fling, and that it's over, and that it's okay? And if that's all true, then why does the boy keep showing up in my life???

it can't always be about me, right??

Hypothetically, let's say you're living in an apartment with three other girls, all of which have very strong personalities. Let's say that one of your friends decides it's getting too cold in the apartment, and since your town is experiencing some beautiful fall weather, decides to turn off the air conditioning and open all the windows. Another friend doesn't understand why it's so hot in the apartment, right after she gets back from lugging her laundry up 2 flights of stairs, and decides to turn the air conditioner back on...at a very low level...while the other friend is out. So you, in the spirit of trying to keep the peace, turn the air to a reasonable temperature...one that both friends could, if willing, find comfortable. Then the one who turned it down confronts you telling you that it's way too hot. You explain your opinion about wanting to try and please everyone and make sacrifices. It makes perfect sense in your head, but it doesn't in her's.

Can someone please explain to me the friend's side so I, this outside observer, can try to understand it? Her explanation seems to just create more arguments...more in a long line this week, and I, this outside observer, may be getting fed up with it and is about to explode.

thanks.

peace, kara

oh boy, isaac just walked in...what does he want now?? haha

who's your nathan?

Today I went to North Goshen Mennonite Church, where my aunt and uncle go, and I really liked it. Actually, I went there last week and plan on going back next week too. But the craziest part...the sermon was good, but Sunday School was even better. I did kind of feel obligated to go because my aunt and uncle teach the college age class, but they're doing a study of book called "11." It's about the 11 people you need in your life. Every person is different, and in fact, if you were to get all these people together in one room, they probably wouldn't all like each other.

Today's person was Nathan. He was the prophet who pointed out to David that it was he who was sinning with Bathsheba. Nathan was the one to point the finger. We need someone in our lives who will be brutally honest; someone who knows us just as well, if not better, than we know ourselves.

I was trying to think of who that would be in my life. And I can think of a few people. My mom probably knows me well enough, but she doesn't always tell me what she thinks like she should. So I would have to say that I have 4 Nathans, and all 4 are in a different state or country than me: Audra, Bethany, Kelsey, and Josh. They knew when to tell me I'm wrong, when I should shut up. And I love them for it. I don't know what I'd do without them. It's hard since they're all so far away, but I know they'll still be honest with me, even if they're on the other side of the world.

This also got me thinking about how I am Nathans to people. And I believe that at one point in my life, I was too much of a Nathan and it ruined a frienship. It happens. Maybe it was my fault, and maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was because I was too honest. And maybe it was because that person couldn't handle me being a Nathan to her. Whatever the reason, that relationship ended up the way it did for a reason...in fact, it led me to one of my Nathans! And it's ok.

So...who's your Nathan??

until next time, kara

Who would have thought blogging would be so much fun?

Goshen College. I told myself I would never end up here. Why would I want to move only 20 minutes away from home to go to school when I have the whole world at my fingertips?? But, here I am. And I guess it's okay. I don't mind it too much. It's hard to walk down the sidewalks and not know anyone; to see people laughing and enjoying each others company in the Rot while I sit there with only a couple other people. Don't get me wrong, it gets better every day. It's just hard. I wish I could be off on grand adventures like Audra and Kelsey and Bethany, or working and making money like Kim. Instead I'm here piling up the debt so that I can continue paying off loans til I'm 40. Yipee.

Do I regret going to Hesston? Good question. Right of the bat I would say no. I loved every minute of Hesston. I grew more in my two years there than I did in my 18 years at home. But the fact that Hesston was such a great place makes this transition even harder. Quite honestly, I'm glad that HC isn't a four year school...there is no way they could do what they do there, and do it well, for four whole years. I would get so burnt out, socially that is. The school part was nice--challenging, but not too hard. Here I have higher expectations set for me.

I'm afraid I'll fail.

But I guess I'll just grow more through this experience.

peace, kara.