the masquerade is over

while i should be gearing up for thanksgiving and missing the awesomeness that is thanksgiving in hesston, i find myself looking more toward just trying to survive this semester. things keep piling up, one on top of the other, and it seems as if they're never going to stop. it's so hard to keep up with all the reading, papers, exams, projects, and everything else that the profs keep throwing in our direction. how do people do this for four years straight?? i'm so glad hesston wasn't like it, but at the same time, it might have made me more prepared for all of this.

stay tuned to see if i come out alive...i may not even make it til christmas, but only 6 days of classes left.

hoy me voy

i'm about ready to walk out of this life. i'm so frustrated.

i'm sick of making my decisions based on how "they" react.

i'm sick of not getting straight answers from "them" and getting this vibe that is so off-beat.

i'm sick of having to shut my door because "they" are out there.

i'm sick of trying to sleep with all that's going on out there.

i'm sick of others not understanding how "they" really is...or at least not accepting it.

and i'm sick of trying to pretend everything's okay.

but the real problem is...."they" doesn't get it. and i don't think "they" ever will.

i'm not the only one who feels this way. we're trying to avoid conflict, and toleration is the only way we see as effective. but it's tearing us up inside.

will it ever get better? can we ever go back to the way it was, or are we stuck with this new, unfriendly reality?

you make me fearless

you take my hand and drag me head-first, fearless.

i was talking to one of my closest friends tonight and we realized how everyone around us has found their "fit." we have not. and while we know that god has a [marvelous] plan for us, we hate this waiting game. this waiting game sucks.

with you, i'd dance in a storm in my best dress.

it does nothing to improve our self-esteem. it's hard watching facebook statuses go from "single" to "in a relationship"; from "in a relationship" to "engaged". it's hard to pretend to be okay with it all. we smile and laugh and pretend it's all okay.

you pull me in and i'm a little more brave.

i want to be brave. i want to be fearless. and i want you to make me fearless.

you've got growing up to do

we had a rainstorm of leaves today. the wind was blowing just hard enough that the leaves were being blown off the trees. every once in a while one would hit me as i was riding bike through campus. it was pretty sweet. and the weather here is just gorgeous! it was like 75 degrees today! but i heard it is supposed to snow this weekend, so it'll just hit us all at once.

i've been thinking lately how i am scheduled to go on sst to peru in the spring semester off 2011. this is my fifth year and my final semester before grad. but all the other people i'll be going on sst with aren't even out of high school yet. most people go on sst during their sophomore year and i'm going my fifth year. i'm on the waiting list to go to nicaragua this summer and part of me really wants to go and get it over with. but at the same time, i'd be missing a lot this summer. but no matter what happens, i'll have to miss a lot of life back here. that's just the way it is.

well, i have homework and an intramural volleyball game and the office to watch and sleep to get in tonight yet. oh, for those of you with skype, my webcam is up and running!! so call me! we'll have a skype date!