my winter song

i just thought i'd post a few pictures to show what i've been filling my free time with...free time meaning the time when i'm supposed to be doing homework but i'm not, a.k.a. right now. so here it is:
the beach in siesta key, fl

fairly self-explanatory i think =)

chicago at night

campfire at amanda's house

irina and i in chicago

the bean in chicago


my gossip girl love <3

and of course::

brighter than sunshine

i have a few praises to report! first of all, it's snowing!!! and i don't mean the flake-y (pun intended) snow we've been getting lately where it snows for a couple of hours then melts away. this is full-out snow that has been coming down all morning and there's no sign of stopping! i love it, although it's a mess to drive in.

second, last night was the first time when i've hung out with friends that i did not make at hesston! and i had so much fun!!!! i spend the evening with betsy and gina...gina is a friend of amanda's from bethany so i've met her before, but this was the first time i've ever had an actualy conversation with betsy even though we've met a few times. we met first when i came to visit goshen, then she worked with kris at camp last summer and he said we would be friends here. but she was sst this semester so i didn't get to know her. well let me just say that last night i got to know her! the three of us went to the "candy cane farm" (aka krogers) to get candy canes then spent about 2 hours in my room laughing and dancing and laughing and singing and did i mention laughing?? it was the best time ever! it made me feel like maybe i can do this whole goshen thing afterwards, i just need to step out there and make myself avaliable.

third, well i guess there isn't really a third except to say that this upcoming week is finals week so many many prayers would be much appreciated! i have a big project due monday night that i have somewhat started. i feel like i should be more stressed out about it than i am, but i guess if i'm not stressing i'll be ok.

only 1 project and 3 finals away from break!!! hallelujiah!!

the masquerade is over

while i should be gearing up for thanksgiving and missing the awesomeness that is thanksgiving in hesston, i find myself looking more toward just trying to survive this semester. things keep piling up, one on top of the other, and it seems as if they're never going to stop. it's so hard to keep up with all the reading, papers, exams, projects, and everything else that the profs keep throwing in our direction. how do people do this for four years straight?? i'm so glad hesston wasn't like it, but at the same time, it might have made me more prepared for all of this.

stay tuned to see if i come out alive...i may not even make it til christmas, but only 6 days of classes left.

hoy me voy

i'm about ready to walk out of this life. i'm so frustrated.

i'm sick of making my decisions based on how "they" react.

i'm sick of not getting straight answers from "them" and getting this vibe that is so off-beat.

i'm sick of having to shut my door because "they" are out there.

i'm sick of trying to sleep with all that's going on out there.

i'm sick of others not understanding how "they" really is...or at least not accepting it.

and i'm sick of trying to pretend everything's okay.

but the real problem is...."they" doesn't get it. and i don't think "they" ever will.

i'm not the only one who feels this way. we're trying to avoid conflict, and toleration is the only way we see as effective. but it's tearing us up inside.

will it ever get better? can we ever go back to the way it was, or are we stuck with this new, unfriendly reality?

you make me fearless

you take my hand and drag me head-first, fearless.

i was talking to one of my closest friends tonight and we realized how everyone around us has found their "fit." we have not. and while we know that god has a [marvelous] plan for us, we hate this waiting game. this waiting game sucks.

with you, i'd dance in a storm in my best dress.

it does nothing to improve our self-esteem. it's hard watching facebook statuses go from "single" to "in a relationship"; from "in a relationship" to "engaged". it's hard to pretend to be okay with it all. we smile and laugh and pretend it's all okay.

you pull me in and i'm a little more brave.

i want to be brave. i want to be fearless. and i want you to make me fearless.

you've got growing up to do

we had a rainstorm of leaves today. the wind was blowing just hard enough that the leaves were being blown off the trees. every once in a while one would hit me as i was riding bike through campus. it was pretty sweet. and the weather here is just gorgeous! it was like 75 degrees today! but i heard it is supposed to snow this weekend, so it'll just hit us all at once.

i've been thinking lately how i am scheduled to go on sst to peru in the spring semester off 2011. this is my fifth year and my final semester before grad. but all the other people i'll be going on sst with aren't even out of high school yet. most people go on sst during their sophomore year and i'm going my fifth year. i'm on the waiting list to go to nicaragua this summer and part of me really wants to go and get it over with. but at the same time, i'd be missing a lot this summer. but no matter what happens, i'll have to miss a lot of life back here. that's just the way it is.

well, i have homework and an intramural volleyball game and the office to watch and sleep to get in tonight yet. oh, for those of you with skype, my webcam is up and running!! so call me! we'll have a skype date!

the world spins madly on

for those of you who aren't in the u.s. right now, the presidential election is this coming tuesday.

so who am i supposed to vote for?? here's what i keep thinking: "who would jesus vote for." part of me thinks he wouldn't vote at all, but i don't know. i feel like neither of the candidates are going to solve all of our problems, so i don't even want to bother with it. but if i don't vote i feel like i'm not making a difference. and i've never been around so many people divided. maybe it's just because i'm old enough to vote so i'm paying attention more, but even on the gc campus alone...everyone has different opinions. of course, being goshen, most people are pro-obama, but there are a few die-hard mccain fans that lay low. i feel like i'm as confused as ever. sometimes i try to pick a topic that's most important to me and vote for the candidate who's posistion is closer to mine, but how do i know that these so-called "promises" are really going to happen.

this huge election scares the crap out of me. what's going to happen? if feel like if obama doesn't win that his supporters will go crazy and bomb something!! the whole country could be in an uproar! but i don't know if he's the right person for the job. i don't know if mccain is the right person for the job either. and i don't know if the country's ready for a black president or a female vice president. tuesday is going to change our country in ways that aren't even imaginable...until tuesday. it'll change life as we know it.

will the music ever be enough

if you know me, it's no secret that music is everything to me. i'm not one to be involved in everything, but over the last few years i've come to appreciate all different types of music. like right now, my favorite is the new gym class heros album, the classics like ella fitzgerald and frank sinatra, and of course the music from high school musical 3. there's such a difference between all of those, but all of them bring my so much.

i love the feeling i get when i turn up my music really loud and i just sit and baske in it.

i let the music cover me. let it consume me.

but will the music ever be enough?

eventually, real life is going to have to win out. but that hasn't happened yet. so i'm stuck in this illusion of false reality. music is magical and romantanticized, and although it can be powerful, and powerfully honest, it is rarely real.

when will i be able to experience it for the first time, all of it, powerful, and real??

the magic city

i think i'm a city girl at heart.

i spent yesterday in chicago with irina, walking up and down michigan avenue, and thinking a lot about where i see myself in 4 years. i grew up in the small confining community and i don't really think i want to stay there. i love having pretty much the whole world at your fingertips and having so many opportunities to grow and learn and explore. the city is magical to me. i long to live in a huge apartment building, take the bus or the el or walk to work, and see people from all different walks of life pass me by on the streets. maybe i'm just romanticizing the whole thing, but talking to ellie about her life there at moody just makes me want to pack up and join her. i mean, i don't want the whole curfew and no movies and insane studying that she has, i just want a city lifestyle.

i love it, but it also scares the crap out of me.

maybe i'll live there some day. who knows.

for now, i'll keep dreaming.

amigos for all seasons

ahhh...fall break! there is nothing better than a lovely sunny sunday afternoon when you know you have nothing to do the next day.

i went to camp amigo with darin, jes and carrie friday night and this morning to lead worship at celebrate amigo. it was so much fun to be up there again. i'm pretty sure that's my favorite place on earth! i just feel so at home there. i love walking the trails and seeing familiar faces. i'm putting together a worship band for one of the jr. high winter youth retreats in january...i'm kind of nervous about it. who knows if i'll be able to pull it off or not, but it will be fun trying. i'm also helping out with all the other jr. high and sr. high retreats. and they told me they still want me to be the activities director next summer--boy would i love that job! it would be spectacular! but i'm not sure if i can really afford the spend another summer up there. i have way too many loans that i need to start paying off so i'm not sure if i'll be able to do it all.

today during the worship service, people were sharing "sacred moments" that they had at amigo over the years. it got me thinking about what sacred moments i've had there. i think i've had a lot, but one that sticks out the most happened this summer. during st. joe week, when most of the kids are there on scholarships and are from low-income, mainly single-parent homes, i had 5 girls who hated going to worship. it seemed as if i had to drag them kicking and screaming every morning and every evening and they wouldn't even stand up to sing or do any of the motions. but at about the middle of the week, one of the girls asked if she could have a bible to read during r&r. then the other girls wanted some too. so i went into the program office where we have cupboards full of bibles and got the girls bibles. i wrote a little messages in them and gave them to them before r&r. the girls read their new bibles the whole hour and it was one of the most peaceful r&rs ever. after that, they began taking more interest in the worships and even started standing up when we sang. it wasn't much, but i feel like i watched a little progress, maybe i even planted a seed. it was one of my most sacred moments at camp amigo.

well, my best friend erica is over to spend the night and irina and i are going to chicago on tuesday, so i have a big week ahead of me. i'm excited to go to the city again...it's been a few years since i've taken the train downtown. it'll be a lot of fun. anyway, i better get going so i can get some rest for the week!

ahhh...goshen in the fall!

I realized again this week how much I loved the fall and how much I missed the leaves turning colors in Kansas. They just didn't do that out there, but boy to they do it here! There's every color you can imagine and it's so beautiful! It reminds me of when I was in Jr. High and we just started having boy/girl parties. We would have them on someone's farm and have a bonfire and a hayride. Usually the older siblings of whoever's house we were at would find a way to scare us on the hayride. I used to love those parties. Hey, I should have a bonfire at my house soon!

I started a new job on Saturday. I work at The Nut Shoppe in downtown Goshen. It's pretty much a candy store with a wall of Jelly Bellys, chocolate truffles, turtles with pecans, carmel, and chocolate, and chocolate covered creams. We also made a whole bunch of chocolate covered coffee beans on Saturday and I got to taste-test them...they were amazing! When I'm there I help customers that come in and help stock of candy for the Christmas season. For four hours on Saturday I took butter creams off a tray where they were drying, fixed any holes they had by covering them up with chocolate, put them in little paper dish things, and then put them in boxes so we can use them for orders in the future. This is they're busiest time, so I don't know much I'll be needed after Christmas, but for now it's a good job. At least I have money coming from somewhere. The owner is a friend of my cousin and is only 23. She's a nurse and owns the store so she's pretty busy. She didn't interview me or anything; she just told me to come in on Saturday for training. She understands the life of college students so she's good at giving me little, yet just enough hours. I think I'm working 10 hours this week which is good since it's also midterms.

Oh yeah, fall break is next week. We have Monday through Wednesday off and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I was going to go to EMU but the people I wanted to stay with aren't going to be there. Amanda's going there and Ori's going to Ohio and I have no idea what Irina's doing, so maybe I'll just stay here by myself. Actually, I'll probably go home Sunday afternoon and stay there for a few days just get away. Maybe mom, grandma, and I can take our annual shopping trip so I can get some new clothes! And if Kyle's soccer team wins regionals this week I'll have to go watch him in semi-state...that would be awesome!

Well, I feel like I haven't slept in a few days since I've been so busy with studying and homework, so maybe I'll take a little nap. And I have to catch up on last week's Greys episode!

they bring me to you

Life in Goshen seems to never slow down. I feel like I'm always doing homework...as soon as I think I'm caught up, I realize there's more to do. Don't get me wrong, I am finding time for fun and One Tree Hill, but most of my time is literally consumed with reading and writing. I didn't realize what college is really like until I came here. At Hesston, it was all about being social and finding yourself. Here, it's all about getting an education and being aware of what's going on in the world. I honeslty find myself wondering if I should have come here from the start. I know I would have liked it, and maybe it would have been the better decision...I defintely wouldn't be in school an extra year like I will be now. But then again, Hesston was ah-mazing. I can't very well be okay with giving up that experience.

I have found time to pick up a new hobby--Picnik. It's pretty much addicting. It's this program online where you can upload your pictures and do some pretty awesome editting with them. I usually do about one a day, but it slows down my computer a lot so there's only so much I can take. I've added a few of my favorites to show off my amazing skills...(just kidding, but really...)

Princesses on Ice of course!

This is a poem written by one of our staff members...she is an amazing writer! Actually, she's a creative writing major at Purdue...

Me playing guitar in Denver...and one of my favorite quotes.

Miss Maggie Mae and me at a concert this summer...and they lyrics to our favorite song.

That pretty much says it all!

why am i losing sleep over you

Although life is hectic sometimes, I still manage to find a huge amount of time to waste. Like today I could have been writing a paper that's due at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, but was I? Of course not! I was busy catching up on last week's Grey's and messing around of Facebook. And now I'm writing this so I obviously still don't get it. I have a lot to do in the next 6 hours if I want to get to bed at a decent time.

So Friday night, my brother had a soccer game here in Goshen at Bethany Christian. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal...I'd go with my parents and sit with their friends and cheer on the Warriors. But this time, it was completely different...and I wasn't exactly sure how to react to it all. A lot changed last summer when I went to camp, and I changed in many ways. And the boy was a big part of it all. And the boy played against my brother. And the boy was playing pretty rough, actually everyone was playing rough, but the boy got a yellow card (haha). And the boy gave me a giant hug after they won and told me he missed me. And the boy has someone else. And it hurts to think about the boy.

But lately that's all I've been doing. It's so hard because I know I can do way better than him. I know that I shouldn't be wasting my energy on someone who isn't going to put the same amount of energy into me. Everything inside of me is longing to let go, but at the same time, everything inside of me is fighting to hold on. Why can't I accept that is was just a summer fling, and that it's over, and that it's okay? And if that's all true, then why does the boy keep showing up in my life???

it can't always be about me, right??

Hypothetically, let's say you're living in an apartment with three other girls, all of which have very strong personalities. Let's say that one of your friends decides it's getting too cold in the apartment, and since your town is experiencing some beautiful fall weather, decides to turn off the air conditioning and open all the windows. Another friend doesn't understand why it's so hot in the apartment, right after she gets back from lugging her laundry up 2 flights of stairs, and decides to turn the air conditioner back on...at a very low level...while the other friend is out. So you, in the spirit of trying to keep the peace, turn the air to a reasonable temperature...one that both friends could, if willing, find comfortable. Then the one who turned it down confronts you telling you that it's way too hot. You explain your opinion about wanting to try and please everyone and make sacrifices. It makes perfect sense in your head, but it doesn't in her's.

Can someone please explain to me the friend's side so I, this outside observer, can try to understand it? Her explanation seems to just create more arguments...more in a long line this week, and I, this outside observer, may be getting fed up with it and is about to explode.

thanks.

peace, kara

oh boy, isaac just walked in...what does he want now?? haha

who's your nathan?

Today I went to North Goshen Mennonite Church, where my aunt and uncle go, and I really liked it. Actually, I went there last week and plan on going back next week too. But the craziest part...the sermon was good, but Sunday School was even better. I did kind of feel obligated to go because my aunt and uncle teach the college age class, but they're doing a study of book called "11." It's about the 11 people you need in your life. Every person is different, and in fact, if you were to get all these people together in one room, they probably wouldn't all like each other.

Today's person was Nathan. He was the prophet who pointed out to David that it was he who was sinning with Bathsheba. Nathan was the one to point the finger. We need someone in our lives who will be brutally honest; someone who knows us just as well, if not better, than we know ourselves.

I was trying to think of who that would be in my life. And I can think of a few people. My mom probably knows me well enough, but she doesn't always tell me what she thinks like she should. So I would have to say that I have 4 Nathans, and all 4 are in a different state or country than me: Audra, Bethany, Kelsey, and Josh. They knew when to tell me I'm wrong, when I should shut up. And I love them for it. I don't know what I'd do without them. It's hard since they're all so far away, but I know they'll still be honest with me, even if they're on the other side of the world.

This also got me thinking about how I am Nathans to people. And I believe that at one point in my life, I was too much of a Nathan and it ruined a frienship. It happens. Maybe it was my fault, and maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was because I was too honest. And maybe it was because that person couldn't handle me being a Nathan to her. Whatever the reason, that relationship ended up the way it did for a reason...in fact, it led me to one of my Nathans! And it's ok.

So...who's your Nathan??

until next time, kara

Who would have thought blogging would be so much fun?

Goshen College. I told myself I would never end up here. Why would I want to move only 20 minutes away from home to go to school when I have the whole world at my fingertips?? But, here I am. And I guess it's okay. I don't mind it too much. It's hard to walk down the sidewalks and not know anyone; to see people laughing and enjoying each others company in the Rot while I sit there with only a couple other people. Don't get me wrong, it gets better every day. It's just hard. I wish I could be off on grand adventures like Audra and Kelsey and Bethany, or working and making money like Kim. Instead I'm here piling up the debt so that I can continue paying off loans til I'm 40. Yipee.

Do I regret going to Hesston? Good question. Right of the bat I would say no. I loved every minute of Hesston. I grew more in my two years there than I did in my 18 years at home. But the fact that Hesston was such a great place makes this transition even harder. Quite honestly, I'm glad that HC isn't a four year school...there is no way they could do what they do there, and do it well, for four whole years. I would get so burnt out, socially that is. The school part was nice--challenging, but not too hard. Here I have higher expectations set for me.

I'm afraid I'll fail.

But I guess I'll just grow more through this experience.

peace, kara.