when life was good

against all common sense, i took off for hesston over thanksgiving. there were definitely things i could be doing here, but i went to see bethany, brenda, josh, kevin, and the buhrmans. i ended up seeing a lot more people than that and had a amazing time! it was fanstastic to catch up with the nebels and have coffee with ron and deb. my lunch with kevin was entertaining, as always, and i had so much fun sitting at the round table in drubers. then on friday night i spent time with josh and kris at newells. this was by far the most relaxing part of the trip, mainly because i was with 2 people who i am entirely comfortable with. they know me and still choose to be friends with me. we laughed and laughed all night and had some great conversations with the two of them.

now i'm looking at less than a week until finals and i'm done for the semester. and i only have 2 finals and one presentation next week. after friday, when i have a presentation, a portfolio, and a case study due, i'm on the home stretch. now i'm at panera with my roommates and we're working on homework, except for i decided to take a little break. ;)

over christmas break, i'm looking forward to spending time with kristin and colette and erica and kelly and sara and i may even get to see carrie! i think those few weeks will go by quickly, but it would be great if i could make them last forever. next semester will definitely be lighter than this one, but i really need a break from homework and the drama at school.

since it's december, i can officially play christmas music!! and i found out that amazon is having 25 days of free christmas music, offering a new song each day. it's heaven. check it out.

and being in your life is gonna change me

like always, i'm procrastinating again! it's wonderful! this weekend was filled with so much excitement that it's a little hard to get back into the swing of things. we went to patrick ressler's hour after on friday and it was incredible! he has such talent...he can take any song and make it his own. i could listen to him for hours. then on saturday we had celebrations for betsy's birthday. we started at chili's then moved to 411 for a wicked awesome dance party. SOOOO much fun! i loved it!

it was also the holiday open house weekend in downtown goshen, so i worked both friday and saturday. from now until christmas i'll work on sundays. i love it...we put of the christmas decorations and started playing christmas music! it's magical!

but perhaps the biggest news of all, and definitely the highlight of my week so far....JOSH CAME TO VISIT!!! he was only here for a day and i saw him for only like 5 minutes, but it was soooooo great to see him again! he's my best friend, and being apart for over a year and a half has been super hard. the chances of him coming to goshen next semester aren't too great, but at least i got to see him for a little bit. and since i'm going out to hesston for thanksgiving, i'll see him next week too! it's fantastic!

back to the chaos of my life....pray as i'm finishing up all of these projects and exams!

i and love and you

another weekend of no productivity and a lot of fun has come and gone. this weekend was filled with work, dance parties in the loft, more work, the beautiful fall wedding of two of my friends, an incredible musical at westview, playing piano at church, a fulfilling meal and grandma's, and sleep, lots of sleep.

i got sick on friday morning, but i didn't really have time to slow down and deal with it until yesterday. in fact, at em & al's wedding, i'm pretty sure i had a fever. but i was convinced i would have fun this weekend. and fun i had. friday night's sleepover with colette, erica, and kelly was just what i needed to forget all the stresses of school and life and just be. we had a blast attempting to dance, and we even have a few videos on facebook to prove it. these girls are so refreshing to be with because they actually know me. they know everything about me and totally accept me for that. i love them.

there were so many highlight on saturday. emily and alex's wedding was at the top. it was so beautiful; very vintage and definitely emily. it was fun to see two people who i've gotten to know pretty well in the past year get married. it wouldn't have been half as fun if i didn't know alex, but they are just so perfect for each other.

westview always puts on great musicals, and this year was no different. they did beauty and the beast, and let me tell you, it was almost flawless. it was crazy seeing ryan up there, though...i wasn't expecting that. but it was good. i can't believe how well my cousin zac did. he was hilarious and pretty much stole the show!

yesterday i finally got to sleep. i slept for about 3 hours during the day and then went to bed early. i feel much better today, only a stuffy nose is left. i also got my h1n1 vaccine today so hopefully that'll help me from getting the flu again in the future. now it's back to hectic schedules and a multitude of projects!

many shades of black

i feel like my life is really stale right now. i'm at a stand still. things aren't going bad, they're just not going entirely wonderful either.

i have so much to do that it's hard to even think sometimes. i have no motivation to do all of those things, which throws me off completely. and every night around 9:00 i start getting this awful headache that follows me no matter what. my magic headache medicine can't even help it.

my spiritual life has felt a little stiff lately too. i've been going to church and even helping, but it's to the point where i can't really listen to any christian or praise and worship music because it just depresses me. i can't really remember the last time i've felt as though god was truly here. that scare me.

but through it all, time keeps ticking. somehow i'll make it through.

it's a good thing i love christmas.

the other side of the door

midterm is officially over and and it's all downhill from here. that's the scary part. every single semester, it feels like there is nothing to do during the first half, then all of the sudden there's a mountain of work in front of me...projects. lesson plans. exams.

as much as i hate it, it's definitely helping me become a better teacher. i was so scared at the beginning of the year because i thought i knew nothing, but as we're out in the schools more and more, it's becoming more natural. it fits so well with my personality, and i'm so glad i've found something i love to do. the kids i've worked with so far are so much fun and i look forward to going to the school 4 mornings a week, even if it is early.

i've also found a lot of time for fun this semester. i took a trip to chicago over fall break with kelsey and renee. we had so much fun walking around the city and shopping. just like last year, it made me realize how much i love the city and really want to live there at some point. just to see if i could do it.

over thanksgiving i'm heading out to hesston with kim to meet up with bethany and maybe audra. i'm soooo excited to see b again!!!! it's been way too long. and of course, i love seeing audra, but i also just saw her this summer. i'll stay with the nebels and hopefully see the burhmans and kevin while i'm out there. i'm looking forward to going back to kansas.

and hopefully between now and then josh will come out to visit the college. he keeps putting off deciding when he'll come, so who knows if he'll actually show. but it would be great to see him again since it's been over a year.

well, i have to go wash dishes...we have way too many right now...oops!

i've got a feeling

this summer flew by. real fast. and now i'm sitting in my new apartment starting my senior (but really junior) year. it's crazy. but i love it.

summer was good, of course. but it got to be really long. as much fun as i had at camp, i was ready to be done. it was time. and i thought i wasn't really ready to come back to school, but it's actually been a lot of fun! i love my apartment and my roommates and it's so much fun being back with friends. this semester is going to be really busy...but it'll be a blast too!

stay tuned for updates.

i think about you in the summertime

well, summer is off to a fantastic start. after 3 weeks of camp i've determined that amigo centre is the one place that recharges me and makes me feel the most alive. the feeling of love and acceptance and closeness to god that i get when i'm there is incredible. and the people are fantastic too. the leadership team this summer is exeptionally great. we have so much fun just hanging out together and laughing at each other, and by "each other" i really mean me. :]

the rest of the staff is extremely interesting. they're a lot of fun, it's just that they're all so unique. for the most part, it is a really young staff. i think there are only 4 people that are older than me. and that makes me feel really old. but i see maturity in them that is needed for our jobs, which makes me excited about the summer. i can't wait for our first group of campers to come tomorrow and to really get the party started!

i do feel really bad, though, about how much i forget about most of my friends during the summer. that sounds horrible, and in fact it probably it, but i have some friends that seem to be more my summer friends. like maggie...we met at camp and we've been friends ever since, but we only really see each other in the summer. so we're together all the time. over the past 3 weeks i think there have only been about 3 days when we haven't been together. and living at camp during the week really takes a lot of time away from other friends...seeing them or just calling them. i was able to have two long converations with friends this past week which was awesome, and i'm sitting here with my bestie right now!! so if you're feeling like i'm ignoring you, sorry. just call me!


.i.love.summer.

it's the age of princesses and pirate ships

well folks, may term is over!!! it is now officially summer!!

i am so excited that it's all over. but i can't believe it either. this year literally flew by. it seems like just yesterday we were moving into this apartment, and now it's empty. it echos. and that's weird.

was it a good year? i'd say that it definitely redeemed itself. i've learned a lot about myself and who i want to be. i've learned how to go outside my comfort zone, even though sometimes i really don't want to at all. i've finally found the thing i want to do most with my life. and i love it.

today was such a good day because, not only was it the last day of may term, it was also one of the first real summer days. it was hot...like in the 80s. there was not a cloud in the sky. i got everything packed up and moved home. and the season finale of american idol was on...and guess who won? my favorite of course. kris allen. he's incredible. for all of you outside the u.s., you need to look him up on youtube or something. he's so artistic and creative and i could listen to him forever. so, yeah, i'd say it was a good day.

the next step...camp. oh, you have no idea how excited i am about this. i move in 5 days to one of the small cabins on the camp grounds...hopefully junco because the hill to nuthatch is a killer. i can't wait to start with that lifestyle. i've said it before and i'll say it again::

it just isn't summer without camp.

just jump right in

may term is here. and i love it. the weather has been really nice lately, and i absolutely love my class. i'm taking foundations of education, which is basically a class that introduces everything about being a teacher. my class has elementary and secondary education majors in it, and we have placements everyday with it. i got to monger elementary in elkhart and work with a 3rd grade class there. it's so interesting because that school is so different from my own elementary experience. for one thing, the only diversity i ever knew was amish and english. in my class at monger, there is only one white student; the others are hispanic and african american. the teacher that i'm working with seems to always be yelling to try and get their attention. tomorrow i'm teaching the math lesson, and i'm a little nervous that i won't be able to keep control of the class, and i've learned recently that control is everything.

another reason why i love may term is that there is a lot of time to just hang out. i've met some new people on campus and have been able to strengthen relationships with others. this place is growing on me more and more.

no stress, no stress, no stress

oh how i wish i could be stress-free. if only for a little while! this week, just as so many before, has proven to be full of challenges and stressful situations. i have one big paper that i have only done a little bit of research for. the rough draft of that is due on friday then i have to finish it by next tuesday. see, that alone wouldn't be a big deal. but it's everything else! finals next week, 3 of which are on the first 2 days of the week; planning, prepping, and hosting ori's bridal shower on saturday; working 3 hours on friday and 4 on saturday; studying for my 5 finals next week; and just trying to get all the end-of-the-semester stuff done. whew.

another thing...apartment selection is tonight. i'm really nervous because the best number my group got was 70. and although we'll get to pick before all juniors, i'm still scared that too many people will have better numbers. i know we'll get an apartment, that doesn't worry me...it's what apartment we get. we really want 211 or 210 and betsy's group would get the other one then we'd be across the hall from each other, plus we'll have the balcony! but i'm truly afraid that won't happen. but, only 4 hours til we find out! crazy.

anyway, i guess i'll close this blog by requesting prayer for these last 2 weeks. i hope your weeks are full of fun and joy and much, much, much less stress!

turnin back ain't really an option

i heard the birds today. it sounds stupid, but i love hearing birds because i know it's officially spring. never mind the snow we had at the beginning of the week...summer is on the way. and this girl could not be happier.

here is what i'm looking forward to in the upcoming months:
1. kelsey's return.
2. bethany's return...although i may not see her, just to know she's in the states will be comfort enough.
3. camp amigo and all that goes along with it.
4. no school.
5. living at home again, kind of.
6. going to colorado and seeing audra again.
7. attempting to get a tan.
8. saturday night bonfires at amanda's.
9. the boys, i.e. rick and nick, coming home for number 8.
10. cheesy summer movies. i'm looking forward to 17 again, hannah montana the movie, ghosts of girlfriends past, just to name a few.
11. no stupid fights with roommates.

here is what i am not looking forward to:
1. betsy will be in colorade/pheonix, gina in nicaragua, dan in nebraska, irina in oregon.
2. the sooner it starts, the sooner camp is over.
3. the extra weeks that i'll spend at camp for c.i.p.
4. stupid fights with my brother
5. cleaning out my room so kyle can move in...then moving to the upstairs spare.
6. not seeing irina everyday.
7. reuns on tv.
8. not living in goshen.

so i guess the positives outweight the negatives. this summer is going to be busy...traveling and working 2 jobs and trying to get ready for the next crazy school year. it'll be good to relax for a while and let my body unwind from this stressful month. in the next week i need to finish 2 papers, plan a bridal shower, get ready for the bridal shower, and start studying for finals. plus work and all the little assignments that go along with class everyday. luckily i don't have to start packing since i'll be around for may term. i want to move back home, but i'm really going to miss being a part of a larger community. it's been nice to know i could go to mcdonalds or walmart whenever i wanted and not have to plan a half hour of driving.

so, all in all, the past few weeks have been full of excitment, nervousness, stress, joy, creativness, happiness, and even a little annoyance. but it's been good. and this summer will be even better.

how do you sleep

as most of you know, i am horrible about making decisions. i change my mind hundreds of times when i'm trying to decide something important. well, i made another important decision...i changed my major....again.

this year has been good, but i haven't felt like i was really getting it. the thing about history classes is that you really have to think a lot about what you're reading and everything that the author was thinking when you're reading. you have to write all your papers with theses and evidence, lots of evidence. i found out that my brain just doesn't think like that. at all. so i've struggled through it. but this semester when i started taking an educational psychology class, things became so much more clear. i understood what was going on in the class and i loved conversations about how we could apply what we learned to our classrooms. so i got to thinking, what would happen if i switched to and el. ed. major? i met with one of the el. ed. professors and we figured out that i could finish in 2 years, which i was planning on anyway. so today i officially switched my major. and an enormous weight was lifted off my shoulders.

that's how i know that this decision isn't crazy.

since i've started telling people, i'm amazed at how many have said they thought i should have been doing this all along. my friend carrie told me last night that way back when i was a youth ministry major, she thought i should have been in elementary education. so now i am...and i can't wait to get into it all over the next two years!

a colbie caillat kind of day

today is the most beautiful day indiana has ever seen in march! i guess that's a pretty bold statement, but i think it could quite possibly be true. it's 62 degrees outside, the sun is shining, and everyone is happy! that doesn't happen often, especially around 209. haha. it's one of those days where all you want to be is at the arboretum with you guitar and your best friends, singing your hearts out. it's just one of those colbie caillat kind of days...pure happiness! but seriously, the only way this day could get any better was if my night class was cancelled, and since that won't happen, i have to start reading pretty soon.

you make me smile, please stay for a while now.

my friends are wonderful. sometimes i get really frustrated with them, but deep down i really love them. i don't know if i tell them that enough, so, friends, i love you. on saturday, my roommates decided to throw amanda and i a surprise birthday party. 2 weeks after our birthday is pretty clever if you ask me, but i, being the observant individual that i am, and kind of all ready figured out about it already. it was so much fun though...waiting in our apartment when we got back from shopping with kim were old friends and new friends and people that have helped make this year bearable. kim even made us cakes! [mine if pictured below.] it was really a lot of fun, but now i'm afraid no one will ever throw another surprise party for me because i'm just too nosy....then again, bethany and audra pulled one off last year, so who knows!

love is crazy pretty baby, take it real slow; my feelings show.

i love it when kim comes to visit because i end up hanging out with completely different people. we usually hang out with michael and his crew, and michael has some pretty cute friends! they're a lot of fun, and i can't wait til she's here next year all the time so i can hang out with them more often!

if you just realize what i just realized, that we'd be perfect for each other and we'd never find another.

the cake that kim made for me.
[we're 21 this year! haha]

kim and i with the cake.

this is betsy with me at hour after the night of the party. we're pretty much the same person, and although we look nothing alike, we're twins. she's made this semester so much better! [kelsey, you are going to LOVE her when you meet her next year!]

hello kansas

that's what i thought today when i walked outside on my way to class. the weather reminded me so much of the early spring days in hesston...as mild 60 degress, the clouds rolling over the sun, and the wind blowing my hair everywhere. but it is so great! this weather just makes me want summer to come that much quicker!

this semester has flown by! spring break is over! i can't even believe it! and i wasted it away sick at home. but now it's time to buckle down and focus on the million projects i have to complete within the next 8 weeks. it's really incredible how much i have to do. what's even more incredible is how little motivation i have to get it all done. i'm forcing myself to complete 1 or 2 projects each week on top of the day-to-day homework that is assigned. focusing and getting assignments done is not my strong point, so this has been so hard for me. i just keep praying that god will give me the energy and determination to just get it all done before the last minute.

one more thing i realized today...i am officially an adult. there is no more to look forward to. i can now do anything or buy anything i want without any limitations (well, i guess besides renting a car). and turnign 21 wasn't even a big deal. so i guess this means that birthdays just don't matter as much as they used to.

on top of the piles of homework and the stress, i really am happy. i'm at a good place in life, learning to accept things for what they are and finding out more and more about myself everyday. and i keep strengthening meaningful relationships, both with my friends far away and the new friends i've made here. contentment is a good thing.

what i've learned about happiness

i've learned that happiness can be fleeting. [or maybe that's hormones]

i've learned that it's okay not to please everyone all the time. you can have a servant's heart and not please everyone if you're always compromising your happiness.

i've learned that sometimes you just have to do things for yourself.

i've learned that happiness can come from an evening home with my parents. [how i wish i was there now]

i've learned to love the simple things of life.

i've learned that situations where people are tearing me down is not good for me, and that i can get out of them.

i've learned that being alone in my room with the music turned way up is the best therapy.

but the most important thing of all, what i need to keep reminding myself::

i've learned that you don't define my happiness.

should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements

i only have a few minutes, but i just felt like posting a small little update of life in goshen. the weather is beautiful today...sunny, warm, and windy, just like kansas. it makes me miss those lazy days in hesston so much more. but i know the weather won't last and that it'll get colder within the next few days, so i have to enjoy it while it's here.

for the first time, goshen college is starting to fit for me. i have friends the aren't just from hc. i feel like i can go to those friends and hang out with them and have fun with them without the security of my roommates...not that i don't love being with my roommates, this is just different. there's even a group of us that always have lunch together at noon on mondays, wednesdays and fridays...a bunch of girls and dan. it's a lot of fun. and last friday our apartment was filled people laughing and playing games. it was incredible. so thanks for praying for this; your prayers have been answered. but keep praying, because sometimes the work load here overwhelms me way too much, and i'll need all the help from upstairs that i can get!

you don't know me at all

ok, so really the only people who will read this are my closest friends from hesston, so maybe they do know me better than most people do, but this is still fun. i'm getting obsessed with the "25 random things about me" notes going around on facebook, and after i wrote mine, i would randomly think of more things that are a little unique about me. so this is my list or 25 and more...as many as i can think of before the super bowl starts i guess.

do you really know me??

1) I said I'd never go to Hesston or Goshen...don't listen to anything I say.

2) Although it doesn't happen at home, I love having a clean room. In fact, I can't get anything productive done unless my bed is made and my room is clean.

3) I love bags. In fact, it's time for a new one.

4) I secretly wish I was Kate from Jon and Kate Plus 8.

5) I believe Dr. Pepper is Nectar of the Gods.

6) I'm a horrible procrastinator, but I work well under pressure.

7) I've known some of my best friends for as long as I can remember.

8) I always turn up the radio and sing at the top of my lungs when "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry comes on...great memories! =)

9) I could watch A Cinderella Story all day and not get sick of it.

10) I like to be good at what I do, so if I'm not good, I don't do it. And it drives me crazy when I don't catch on to things right away.

11) I think I should have been born in New York City during the 40s...everything was so much more cultured back then!

12) I love the country, but I think I'm a city-girl at heart.

13) Unnecessary noises annoy the crap out of me.

14) For the most part, I would rather buy jewelry than shoes.

15) I recently found out that I'm addicted to coffee. If I don't have caffeine in the morning, I'll have a headache all day.

16) My dream job is to be the music supervisor for a TV show or for movies. I'd be the one creating the soundtrack...how amazing!

17) I make a playlist for every trip I take, no matter how short the distance.

18) My cell phone only charges when it's powered off.

20) I've kept a journal since I was 16. Now I'm on my 6th one.

21) I'm extremely organized. For example, I keep 2 calendars...one for my assignments and one for everything else.

22) I want to change the world, but I'm not sure yet how I'll do that.

23) As Christie Bonfiglio puts it, "I bleed blue and gold." [go irish]

24) I used to be blonde. Never again.

25) Sometimes I wish I would have grown up in Tree Hill, North Carolina.

26) My new obsession is Cherry Cordial Hershey's Kisses. I love them.

27) Camp Amigo is one of my favorite places on earth. I've grown more in my two summers there than I have anywhere else.

28) Sometimes I wear black nail polish, but I am not a goth.

29) I never owned a scarf until last year. Now, I have around 7 scarves.

30) I love the feeling of my fingertips after I've been playing guitar for a long time.

31) I'm blessed to have a natural ability to hear the harmony of a song.

32) My glasses are broken, but I'm too lazy to go get them fixed.

33) My grandma is a superhero.

34) I often think the best when I'm in the shower. I don't know what it is; maybe the water washes away all the cloudiness and leaves my mind crystal clear.

35) More and more I've been having a problem with generic Christianity. It can't be only spiritual, but relational as well.

36) No matter what people say, Goshen College really is a good place. I like it here.

37) I find myself strolling through the home decoration sections of stores all the time. I can't wait to decorate my own house.

38) The first time I played the drums on Rock Band, I got so frustrated that I threw the sticks on the ground, stormed off to my room, and slammed the door. There were more issues than just that of course, but now I can play the drums on medium.

39) I love keeping surprises from people.

40) I love the colors green, turqouise, and red.

the end.

even when the flood starts risin'

i am washed by the water.

january.31.2009.

time just keeps passing me by, day by day,
hour by hour
minute by minute
second by second.

even when the earth crumbles under my feet.

just when i try to make myself depressed, something always seems to cheer me up! i want to be sad, to feel sorry for myself, but something stops me. a smiley face, an inside joke, a hug, the beautiful glistening snow, a text message, a song; doesn't matter what it is, but somehow God knows that I need that little reminder that he's constant.

and then, i rejoice in him!

i won't fall as long as you're around me.

even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts risin'
even when the storm comes, i am washed by the water.

losing the feeling of feeling unique

this will be a little quick entry...midweek...short and [bitter]sweet...

lately i've been feeling really stressed and underappreciated and just sort of...blah. i don't know why. i can't point to one specific situation and say, "that's what made me feel this way." i just do. and i don't really like it. as i mentioned before, my next few weeks are busy, plus adding all this schoolwork to the mix doesn't really help it much. the only good news is that it has been snowing for about 6 straight days, and the outdoors are just magical right now! (perfect for a weekend at camp on the tube runs!) and they're calling for more and more snow the next few days, even blizzard-like conditions tomorrow. the only sucky thing about this all is the freakishly cold temperatures. ok, so maybe it's not as bad as bethany has it in sweden, but for indiana, this is crazy. i think the high for tomorrow is like 3...that's too cold. but in my opinion, the wonderment of snow makes up for it all!

[like my ability to start out with a totally depressing blog post then completely turn it around?? that, my friends, is called optimism.]

run away, girl, run away now

i am simply here. i'm not necessarily loving being back, but here i am. i guess i'm just sort of apathetic to the whole thing...it's good in some ways, but i wasn't quite ready for this again.

i thought that this break would make things better. i thought maybe i'd start meeting more people. i thought that everyone would come back in better moods and we would be able to start over again. but none of that happened.

i guess it's only the second day of classes so there's plenty of time. right now i'm just focusing on my hectic schedule this month...going home next weekend to play piano, leading the worship team at camp amigo's winter youth retreat for a whole bunch of jr. highers the next week, then getting to spend some time with one of my best friends in the entire world! [that's not hectic, just super exciting!] i'll get through it all, but for now i just need to take things one step at a time.

one things i've been thinking about a lot lately is if i have any regrets about coming to goshen and continuing my education here. and sometimes i think i do. i wish i would have looked into more options that involved service or even checked out the state schools in the area that would have been way cheaper. but then again, i wouldn't change the opportunity to get to know irina for anything! she has become the one stable thing in my life and i know i can always go to her to vent or just to laugh with. and i have made come good friends here at goshen. so maybe i just would have done things a little differently if i could go back.

but no regrets.

time keeps ticking on

i can't believe winter break is over. tomorrow i'll be back on a campus where i tend to feel totally alone. it's been great working more and spending time with my family these last few weeks. i feel like i've grown up a lot this year already, and so seeing my family was a lot different this christmas. i was able to relate more to my older cousins who have always intimidated me, and i spend the whole day yesterday with my parents and loved it. weird, but it happened.

i think i've finally made a decision about this summer. i was offered a job at camp again working on the leadership team and i'm pretty sure i'm going to take it! there's nothing i love doing more than hanging out with kids all day and there's no place i love more than camp amigo. so for the third year in a row, i'll be back at camp!

life keeps going on, so i guess i'll go along with it....
...on to reality......